krakatoa's revenge

I am sitting here listening to the History channel as my husband sleeps on the couch. I'm wondering how many "little" things that drive me nuts I will miss over the next 15 months. Will I watch the History Chanel just to feel closer to him? Will I miss his made up songs that he sings in the shower every morning at the top of his lungs? How about when he comes home and all I want is some quiet and he's louder and more wild then all three kids, will I miss that?

We've been married for a long time and as much as he used to be gone all the time at the beggining of our marriage he has certainly been home a lot the last few years. Believe me I'm thankful, but at the same time I feel incredibly vulnerable, and I'm afraid I've left myslef open to some major emotions when he leaves.

When he is home because of his job position most the time he works ridiculously long hours and we can sometimes go days without really seeing each other, but I know where he is and I know he's safe. I know if I need him I can call his cell, like Ido 100 times a day. I've set myself up for failure depending on him to be there so much for me.

Most people who know me would laugh if I told them how much I truly depend on my husband and really need him in my life. Hell, he would probably laugh. I think I come off extremely self-reliant, maybe even cold as far as emotions go, but it's all a facade. I think like most people I only really let people see and know what I want them to. Really I'm scared that I may not be adult enough to handle taking care of this house and our children on my own 15 months. People tell me constantly how strong I am and how I can definitely get through, but can I???

I guess the next 15 months will tell. Hopefully I will find a way to let him know how much he means to me before he goes, I don't think I allow him to know now. It's one of my biggest regrets.

Golden Crickets...

I am literally driving myself crazy! Remember this? Well I've done it again. I officially can't find ANYTHING! Seriously I have lost my keys, the upload cord for my digital camera, paperwork, a book for one of my classes, and probably a couple more things I don't even know are missing yet.

I'm blaming it on the Deployment. In fact I'm going to spend the next 15 months blaming everything on the deployment. Everyone will get sick of it very quickly, it'll be great!

As I was leaving work yesterday I reminded my boss that I would be out for sometime today, he very nicely looked at me and said I could have the whole day off. I hope I'm not fired.

I still haven't heard about the new position at work, but I haven't heard of anyone else being considered so maybe I'll get it by default.

The picture is of this lego like set that Office Depot sent me for work, it's great I want the whole set.

There is a cricket in/outside my bedroom that is keeping me up at night. This just may be the loudest cricket I've ever seen. I can't find it in my bedroom even though my room is minimalistic (is that even a word). When I do find the cricket I hope it's like seven feet long and made of gold so I can sell it on Ebay and it will be worth the 5 days of lost sleep I've incurred.

Is it obvious I'm sleep deprived??

Champagne Supernova

I went to the first of many goodbyes I will have to say in the next couple of weeks.

It sucked! Typically in the past when V deployed his pager would go off, he would leave and then he would come 6+ months later, we wouldn't talk to him, there was no big fan fare when he left or when he came back.

Then I thought it was terrible and I was jealous of other wives who got all of those things. Now, I'm not sure I want the big fan fare, maybe the way it was, just him leaving with a kiss and a hug is the way to go.


Watching all of the families crying as they said their goodbyes last night really sucked. I was completely drained afterwards.

The worst part was even though V is leaving he is still not getting home from work until 9:30, so much for spending the last days with your family.

The one where everyone hate's me for getting mad at him before he deploys

The idea that I should walk on egg shells and not get mad at him for any stupid thing he does before he deploys is absolute horse shit! If you're an ass believe me I am the first to call you out as an ass, even if I'd prefer you would not do the same with me. So when my husband said something to my son last night about his weight issue, I lost it!!! I mean let's be real he doesn't do anything productive about it. He comes home every day and goes to bed early or lays on the couch watching TV/playing video games. Call me crazy for thinking that the last thing my son needs is a lecture from his father before he leaves his life for 15 months. I think I have the right to put my foot down on that one, after all I will be the only parent home for the next 15 months. Every aspect of our children's lives will be resting on my shoulders solely, so yes I have a say. NO I don't want to take all of his parental rights away from just because he's leaving but I would like to I don't know take it down a notch, especially when it comes to such a serious issue as our son's weight.

Of course because I jumped on him he said something pretty hurtful to me, if I had said it to him he would bring it back up a million times, but I am just supposed to forget he said it, even though it will be lingering in the back of my mind the entire time he's gone. So no I'm not jumping up and down to chit chat with you right now and no when you call me and say I'm going to be in such and such town all day and there's nothing to do, I know what you want me to do. You want me to plan an entire days worth of activities for you and your friends. Thanks for caring about whether or not I have the time to be your personal assistant all the times I truly appreciate it.

So you think you can Dance?

This week will hopefully be a quick one, I have Thursday off to attend one "V"'s unit functions and then next week I am completely off so I can spend the first half of "V"'s leave with him. The kid's were going to go to away camp for that week, but they've already been gone to much I'd rather have them stay with us. It's amazing how they can drive me crazy and the second their gone I want them to come back so fast!! It's the same with "V" he drives me nuts, but the minute he's gone I'm going to want him to come back immediately.

It's amazing how far we've come I realized recently, years ago I would have never felt as secure in my marriage as I do now. Years ago I never really believed that V and I would be together forever, we were young and boy did we have our problems. These days my marriage is what I wanted it to be from the beginning. And this is where I hate the fact that he's leaving.

My best friend will be leaving for 15 months and I'm not really sure how to deal with the loss because truly that's what it is, a loss. There are grieving periods and then periods where you know you can make it and then they come home for their R&R and you forget it all for the few short days their home, only to go through the grieving process all over again.

There are all these crazy statistics out there about how these long deployments are very harmful to the mental health of soldiers and their families and yet still we send them out there to live in constant awareness and fear for 15 months. I know that for 15 months my husband will be on edge non-stop. He will come home and not be the same person who left 15 months before. I know that the kids and I will live in constant fear for 15 months, worrying about the possibility that our biggest fear could come true.

So why is it that we really need to go through all of this? Do they really think we're all that strong?

Timeout!

Sometimes I just want to call a timeout on life! There is way to much to do before "V" leaves and just not enough hours to do it all. I need a personal assistant.

Breakdown! Go ahead and give it to me!

So I suck, I'm a terrible Army Wife, but I'm ready for my husband to leave already.

1. I've been preparing for this deployment for 1 1/2 years now, and I'm flipping over it

2. I want him to leave so I can begin missing him, while he's gone and not missing him while he's still here because he works so much.

3. The sooner he leaves the sooner he will be home

4. I'm being a bitch; I hate this deployment and sometimes find myself having even worse mood swings than normal and taking quite a bit out on him, which in turn makes me feel guilty and then my mood doesn't get any better.

5. He and I are so stressed out that we aren't enjoying anything any more. We had to move before he left and we're broke and that sucks, it's really pulling us at all angles.

So now I feel an immense amount of guilt for saying I'm ready for him to go and put himself in danger, but it's inevitable and I can't stop it, so let's just get on with it already.

Oh yeah, and I'm most likely going to have a breakdown before this is all through.

Deployment Briefings

Not only is my husband deploying but 170 other spouses from our company's soldiers are also deploying and somehow I feel responsible for making sure they are all ready for this deployment as well.

We have a big meeting coming up and I am frantically making copies of info that I need to get out to the spouses and trying to update all of their contact info so we don't lose touch with anyone over the next 15 months.

I really need to find time to sit down with our own children and answer any questions they may have and possibly try and make them feel more comfortable with the fact that they will not see their dad for the next 15 months.

15 months is a long time it's time we can't get back no matter how hard we try. This sucks.

I'm beat

So I couldn't sleep last night. I finally crawled into bed around 5:30 this morning waking my husband in the process.

There is way to much going on and my mind just won't rest which really cuts into my sleep time.

Already a Slacker

So my life is crazy, with my husbands upcoming deployment, full time job, 3 kiddos and volunteer commitments I have already found a way to neglect the blog I just recently started.

My family and I recently made a move to a new house and town. This is the shortest move we have ever made. We moved a whole 36 miles West. We thought it would be a better idea for us to live closer to my job while "V" was deployed and the shortened commute, which is now only 3 minutes is absolutely wonderful.

Most people think that I must be a moving pro, especially since I've moved 10 times in 13 years, but I just may be the worst packer and un-packer on the planet!! Thankfully my Mother in Law (who rocks!!) was in town to bring the kids back from their summer vacation and she is the best organizer ever, and she pretty much does everything for me.

This is a busy week for me. I have an Family Readiness Group meeting tomorrow evening, which I'm in charge of. On the 26th I have a deployment briefing and I still have to get the old house ready to be turned back over to our landlord. All this while working 8-5 everyday, good times.

My husband now has some roundabout dates on when he is leaving as well as his address where we can mail him things while he is deployed. This all makes it that much more real. I keep yelling at myself internally, I mean I should be used to this, it's not my first time dealing with a deployment. I just don't want to think or talk about it anymore right now.

Pre-Deployment

This is the first post in a long line of posts to come.

We are currently and have been for over a year in that awkward pre-deployment stage. It's the time before my husband will be leaving for the Middle East, the time when there is more than enough work for him to do in the Army and I already feel he's gone at times because of his long work hours. It's the time when I get so mad that he's leaving and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because in 12 years of marriage I've had to go through this way to many times. It's the time when I get to prepare myself for 15 months of sleepless nights and single parenting, something I never realized I would honestly have to deal with when I married my soldier and our country was safely not in war. It's a time when I question whether I am really cut out to be an Army wife, oh sure I love my soldier and I can volunteer, and show up to all the spouse functions, but can I really make it through another long deployment without ending up in the nearest psych ward?

Most importantly it's a time when I feel genuinely alone. When even though there are hundreds of other spouses going through the exact same thing that I am, no one can relate to just how I feel. I'm not really sure I can truly relate to how I feel. My mood swings are uncontrollable, I've recently become known as a person who will break out in tears for no reason and god forbid you breath funny in front of me I just may take your head off. Unfortunately my extended family has not been understanding and considerate so in the midst of this long drawn out pre-deployment stage I have lost relationships with my family, the people who I had really originally counted on being there for me through thick and thin and even understanding I may not always be the nicest most stable person prior to sending my husband off to war.

I know it's going to be a long hard interesting 15 months.