Tuesday, September 4, 2007

krakatoa's revenge

I am sitting here listening to the History channel as my husband sleeps on the couch. I'm wondering how many "little" things that drive me nuts I will miss over the next 15 months. Will I watch the History Chanel just to feel closer to him? Will I miss his made up songs that he sings in the shower every morning at the top of his lungs? How about when he comes home and all I want is some quiet and he's louder and more wild then all three kids, will I miss that?

We've been married for a long time and as much as he used to be gone all the time at the beggining of our marriage he has certainly been home a lot the last few years. Believe me I'm thankful, but at the same time I feel incredibly vulnerable, and I'm afraid I've left myslef open to some major emotions when he leaves.

When he is home because of his job position most the time he works ridiculously long hours and we can sometimes go days without really seeing each other, but I know where he is and I know he's safe. I know if I need him I can call his cell, like Ido 100 times a day. I've set myself up for failure depending on him to be there so much for me.

Most people who know me would laugh if I told them how much I truly depend on my husband and really need him in my life. Hell, he would probably laugh. I think I come off extremely self-reliant, maybe even cold as far as emotions go, but it's all a facade. I think like most people I only really let people see and know what I want them to. Really I'm scared that I may not be adult enough to handle taking care of this house and our children on my own 15 months. People tell me constantly how strong I am and how I can definitely get through, but can I???

I guess the next 15 months will tell. Hopefully I will find a way to let him know how much he means to me before he goes, I don't think I allow him to know now. It's one of my biggest regrets.

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