Thursday, March 27, 2008

Are we there yet?

So it's getting closer to Doctor day here and I am dying to know whats going on. I really hope they tell us that day because another $200 trip to the big city is just not something I am looking forward to, which sounds pretty shitty, I mean I would go no problem, and more than the expense I just want to know what's going on! Please don't make us wait to find out!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

So we got in...

I emailed the neurologist the results from the MRI, well at least the dictation and they moved our appointment up, not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I know one thing we should hopefully know something soon. Now the other side of this weird issue is that M has a sudden severe case of the dropsies, in the course of a week she has broken 4 plates, 1 vase, dropped 3 bottles of water, a few pieces of pizza and some more things I can't remember. The silver lining is that I hate the plates so maybe by the time the hubster gets home I will be ready to get a whole new set. To say I am worried would be putting it mildly, I have a case of butterflies that just will not go away. The irritating part is that there is probably nothing wrong and I will have worried for nothing. This is what I do though, I worry before it's time to worry. I do this with every aspect of my life. It's pretty damn annoying for everyone around me.

In another news... I'm broke...I just wish there would be a time in my life here I could just relax and not worry about money, this is not that time though. I need a raise, but I would just spend that too.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Like a ton of bricks

So I picked up M's MRI transcription today, and yep it scared the shit out of me when I read it. This whole thing sucks, hopefully we can get into the neurologist soon!

Beautiful Girl

So, life really does have a funny way of bringing you back down to Earth. A few weeks ago my beautiful daughter had an MRI done because she has been having these very unusual movement headaches, it's almost vertigo like but not, they last long enough that she needs to sit out of what she was doing or just sit down, she no longer can run with her friends or go skating or playing soccer or attend her dance classes. Well I called about a week and half ago to see if the results were back and I was told no. Yesterday on the way home from dropping my sister off at the airport our pediatrician called and apologized for not calling sooner but the MRI results had been lost and they didn't realize it (love Army health care) our pediatrician who I really love, said that they did see spot on the MRI. I think I stopped breathing for a minute, he's not sure what it is and neither was the radiologist we have to go to see a neurologist soon. I really thought it was all hormones, and yes I know it may be nothing, but against all my better judgment I can't help but be worried to death and won't stop until we know what's going on. She is my beautiful girl with the amazing smile that has never stopped taking my breath away.

Monday, March 17, 2008

This is how I roll

So it seems I have a high probability of moving again, and for once I am slightly sad about the whole thing. I like here, I don't think it's where I want to live forever, but I am genuinely happy with the environment I've create for myself. I guess my honest feeling is that if I can't be back in Europe for now then I can live wherever "they" decide to move us.

D.C. may be an option, this sounds pretty great to me, usually though when they say things like D.C.'s an option we'll end up in a rather crappy part of the country like Ft Polk Louisiana or somewhere equally as terrible. The only problem with D.C. is that my husband thinks he may be too old for what they would want him to do there. Am I telling him he's not to old for my benefit or his?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

If not now, then when?

Have you ever had a song come on at just the perfect time? Like kismet, it was meant to be just for you at that one perfect moment? It says everything you want it to say when you want to say it. It knows how you feel, the songs emits your emotions better than you can. A song like this will blanket you in emotions deeper than your own thoughts could reach? This happens to me frequently and yet I have to wonder is it the song that was meant to be or am I adjusting my thoughts to make the song meant to be?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


So I've been thinking and like with most people when I think it's never usually a good thing. Except well maybe this time. This time I've been thinking about happy and whether I am or not. I mean my life could have gone so terribly wrong at a million different times. I could have never regained myself after being raped when I was younger and again when I was an adult. I could have been a single teenage mother forever never having finished school and living on welfare, instead I finished school, married my son's father and have always had a roof over my head. I could have married a man who treated me like shit and while many years were rough, he truly loves me and would rope the moon if I asked him too. I could have only had two children and gone through with the abortion I contemplated (honestly with all 3 of them) when I became pregnant again and instead I have another amazing child who shows me everything that is good in the world just as his Brother an Sister do. I could have died of a drug overdose any of the million times I probably should have and instead while I was at my lowest there was still someone there who I could never push fully away even when everyone else was gone and he picked me up and carried me back onto my feet. I could have had a family who never spoke to me again after I buried myself into hole after hole, but instead I have a family who calls me all the time and still says I love you before the end of every phone call. I could have been a million different things that I'm not and yet it's so hard for me to still be happy where I am. What will ever make this different? When will I see the light?

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

LIfe is...

I'm not sure how life is these days. I run around in a million different directions all the time. It seems like there is constantly some dramatic event or thing occuring in my life at all times. Sometimes I just want to stand in the middle of the street and scream. No matter where I am or what I'm doing someone needs something from me. Husband, Children, Co-Workers, Friends, Family, everyone needs something. It's old and tiring, and I really do not know how to say no. I also have this freakish child like sense that I'm going to miss something, I hate to be alone, if I'm alone then I think, and sometimes thinking just sucks.