Happiness

So I've been thinking and like with most people when I think it's never usually a good thing. Except well maybe this time. This time I've been thinking about happy and whether I am or not. I mean my life could have gone so terribly wrong at a million different times. I could have never regained myself after being raped when I was younger and again when I was an adult. I could have been a single teenage mother forever never having finished school and living on welfare, instead I finished school, married my son's father and have always had a roof over my head. I could have married a man who treated me like shit and while many years were rough, he truly loves me and would rope the moon if I asked him too. I could have only had two children and gone through with the abortion I contemplated (honestly with all 3 of them) when I became pregnant again and instead I have another amazing child who shows me everything that is good in the world just as his Brother an Sister do. I could have died of a drug overdose any of the million times I probably should have and instead while I was at my lowest there was still someone there who I could never push fully away even when everyone else was gone and he picked me up and carried me back onto my feet. I could have had a family who never spoke to me again after I buried myself into hole after hole, but instead I have a family who calls me all the time and still says I love you before the end of every phone call. I could have been a million different things that I'm not and yet it's so hard for me to still be happy where I am. What will ever make this different? When will I see the light?