Breakdown! Go ahead and give it to me!

So I suck, I'm a terrible Army Wife, but I'm ready for my husband to leave already.

1. I've been preparing for this deployment for 1 1/2 years now, and I'm flipping over it

2. I want him to leave so I can begin missing him, while he's gone and not missing him while he's still here because he works so much.

3. The sooner he leaves the sooner he will be home

4. I'm being a bitch; I hate this deployment and sometimes find myself having even worse mood swings than normal and taking quite a bit out on him, which in turn makes me feel guilty and then my mood doesn't get any better.

5. He and I are so stressed out that we aren't enjoying anything any more. We had to move before he left and we're broke and that sucks, it's really pulling us at all angles.

So now I feel an immense amount of guilt for saying I'm ready for him to go and put himself in danger, but it's inevitable and I can't stop it, so let's just get on with it already.

Oh yeah, and I'm most likely going to have a breakdown before this is all through.

Deployment Briefings

Not only is my husband deploying but 170 other spouses from our company's soldiers are also deploying and somehow I feel responsible for making sure they are all ready for this deployment as well.

We have a big meeting coming up and I am frantically making copies of info that I need to get out to the spouses and trying to update all of their contact info so we don't lose touch with anyone over the next 15 months.

I really need to find time to sit down with our own children and answer any questions they may have and possibly try and make them feel more comfortable with the fact that they will not see their dad for the next 15 months.

15 months is a long time it's time we can't get back no matter how hard we try. This sucks.

I'm beat

So I couldn't sleep last night. I finally crawled into bed around 5:30 this morning waking my husband in the process.

There is way to much going on and my mind just won't rest which really cuts into my sleep time.

Already a Slacker

So my life is crazy, with my husbands upcoming deployment, full time job, 3 kiddos and volunteer commitments I have already found a way to neglect the blog I just recently started.

My family and I recently made a move to a new house and town. This is the shortest move we have ever made. We moved a whole 36 miles West. We thought it would be a better idea for us to live closer to my job while "V" was deployed and the shortened commute, which is now only 3 minutes is absolutely wonderful.

Most people think that I must be a moving pro, especially since I've moved 10 times in 13 years, but I just may be the worst packer and un-packer on the planet!! Thankfully my Mother in Law (who rocks!!) was in town to bring the kids back from their summer vacation and she is the best organizer ever, and she pretty much does everything for me.

This is a busy week for me. I have an Family Readiness Group meeting tomorrow evening, which I'm in charge of. On the 26th I have a deployment briefing and I still have to get the old house ready to be turned back over to our landlord. All this while working 8-5 everyday, good times.

My husband now has some roundabout dates on when he is leaving as well as his address where we can mail him things while he is deployed. This all makes it that much more real. I keep yelling at myself internally, I mean I should be used to this, it's not my first time dealing with a deployment. I just don't want to think or talk about it anymore right now.

Pre-Deployment

This is the first post in a long line of posts to come.

We are currently and have been for over a year in that awkward pre-deployment stage. It's the time before my husband will be leaving for the Middle East, the time when there is more than enough work for him to do in the Army and I already feel he's gone at times because of his long work hours. It's the time when I get so mad that he's leaving and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because in 12 years of marriage I've had to go through this way to many times. It's the time when I get to prepare myself for 15 months of sleepless nights and single parenting, something I never realized I would honestly have to deal with when I married my soldier and our country was safely not in war. It's a time when I question whether I am really cut out to be an Army wife, oh sure I love my soldier and I can volunteer, and show up to all the spouse functions, but can I really make it through another long deployment without ending up in the nearest psych ward?

Most importantly it's a time when I feel genuinely alone. When even though there are hundreds of other spouses going through the exact same thing that I am, no one can relate to just how I feel. I'm not really sure I can truly relate to how I feel. My mood swings are uncontrollable, I've recently become known as a person who will break out in tears for no reason and god forbid you breath funny in front of me I just may take your head off. Unfortunately my extended family has not been understanding and considerate so in the midst of this long drawn out pre-deployment stage I have lost relationships with my family, the people who I had really originally counted on being there for me through thick and thin and even understanding I may not always be the nicest most stable person prior to sending my husband off to war.

I know it's going to be a long hard interesting 15 months.